Halloween Horoscopes

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Dear Aquarius, please stop singing the Monster Mash. We’re already sick of it.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Remind your Pisces friend to not spoil the jump scares in the haunted house. We understand it’s predictable, but we still like to pretend it’s not.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, it’s not cool to scare people because you think it’s funny. Life isn’t a haunted house.. stop it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Dear Taurus, please don’t spend Halloween alone again. Your friends like to see you and spend time with you, too. Go out and do something fun.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Please remind your Gemini friend that it is only October. You can’t start with the Christmas music until after Halloween.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, you can’t go to a haunted house and have a fight response to the actors. Stop beating them when they scare you. It’s literally their job.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Dear Leo, the odds of there being razor blades or poison in the candy is so beyond low. Stop freaking out. You’re fine and you don’t need to take hand sanitizer with you to Trick-or-Treat.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Virgo, please dress up as something normal for Halloween. The costumes have been getting out of hand lately. We didn’t even know what you were last year.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Remind your Libra friend to get out of the house this Halloween. At least pretend to enjoy the holiday.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Dear Scorpio, cut it out with the horror movies. Some of us like to sleep peacefully at night.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Sagittarius, you’re not too cool to still go Trick-or-Treating. Find a costume and go. Don’t be a loser.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Dear Capricorn, enjoy all the treats you can find this Halloween. You deserve it!